My brother Johnny

My brother Johnny in The Tetons and Warm River of Idaho

Last night in the Warm River above the Mesa Falls of Idaho, my brother and I set each other free. Truly Free.

Free of the suffering from the personal and family trauma of addiction; our lives not understood. Our lives not seen and mental anguish not accepted or loved. No one was taught how to be be present to this in the 1970s and 80s. It was hidden behind walls of shame. My Shadow moved in, covering my soul in darkness.

It only takes a crack for the light to get in. Grace descended upon me.

Johnny was 10 years older than me. He left the Earth on July 20 of 2011. He was 54 years old. He died of liver failure in the ICU surrounded by all of us. A brutal death to witness as he was taken off life support. An act of compassion by my parents and the palliative care team.

My first crack with Johnny came 7 years after his death. He came to me while I was getting ready for work one day. I could feel him.

I was honest with him. I told him I was angry at him for the choices he made. I told him I was angry that my childhood was scarred by his addiction and the trauma it caused. The brutal details don’t matter anymore.

I then found out he was abused as alter boy in the church.

My heart opened and bled with sadness and anger. My Shadow revealing herself within this dark knowledge.

A new path to healing was illumined in my life last year. “Somatic Awakening” (TM@) with Dr. Melissa Sophia Joy.

In her course and sacred circles, I Am learning to allow acceptance, love, and compassion for the shamed exiled parts of myself. My Shadow Self. My higher True Self guiding me home.

I believe this path lead me back to Johnny.

I told him that I was sorry for blaming him for all of the pain he caused me.

I was starting to understand that as an adult, only I can heal my wounds. That my wounds are sacred, a chance to bring awareness and acceptance to Me. And now to Johnny.

He smiled. He said no apology was needed.

We saw each other across the Veil.

Johnny was a bit of a jokester as well. He flickered lights here and there; he and my mother would come to me —letting me know they saw me on my journey to healing my inner child and her wounds.

The crack widens. My Heart and Soul open a little more and love pours in.

When visiting my older sister in Minnesota last week, I saw his ashes sitting on the shelf.

His ashes spent many years with our brother, and some time with my cousin. The last two years he was with my older sister.

I knew he wanted to be set free. And I was heading west into the mountains that he loved so much.

My sister gave me the wooden urn. A fish was carved into the wood. He loved the wild west, mountains and fishing.

I knew he wanted to be sprinkled in the mountains where the water flows and the fish swim.

I came across - was guided-to the Warm River above the Mesa Falls in Idaho. This itself was a magical journey of synchronicities.

At the river, I could feel the heavens open up, and the presence of the ascended Holy Ones so close; my mother, my father, Johnny and our brother Anthony (who went to the heavens before my birth). All of them with me and Johnny’s ashes.

The guardians of the land knelt in honor of my brother as I sprinkled his ashes into the river.

The sky darkened as clouds blew in. The wind became gusty and the air cooled.

A gift to me. Freedom from the hidden pain, shame and secret of addiction that covers the Soul’s Light. A gift to me and Johnny. I witnessed our pain carried away by The Wind, transformed by Divine Love’s Truth and Mother Nature’s healing water. I even felt his liver detoxify in the water.

My brother is now, for the first time, a friend.

From the other side, which is much closer than it seems, he smiles.

He cheers me on…. saying “continue little sister, nothing is in your way. Walk on in your love and truth, and stay true to your heart. Keep walking with Sonny and Rosie”.

He said this in the same way he always said things. He had a different kind of way he spoke.

There will be more to write. This is only the beginning.

Thank you Johnny, for the gift of setting us both free.